Rules to Live By

by

Scott McGrew

I can’t recall if I’ve posted my rules of life before, but here they are.

1) You know how if someone says “it’s not about the money,” it’s about the money? When people say “for no reason at all,” they know exactly why something happened. There was a darn good reason.

2) Never eat Taco Bell in the car. You think you can, but you can’t. Not without getting something on your pants.

3) All movies called “great” by movie critics Sean Edwards and/or Earl Dittman are astoundingly bad. (You can find their reviews on movies that have NO OTHER positive reviews on the DVD box.) This rule is so accurate, they are often doing me a very valuable service at the movie store.

4) When someone says something about their pet, they’re really talking about themselves. “Muffy is SO lonely now that the kids have gone back to college.” Or “Spots thinks the poodle next door owned by that young divorcee who just moved in is very hot.”

5) When making a connecting flight, go immediately to the gate from which your next airplane is to depart REGARDLESS of how much time you have between flights. You’ll find out much earlier the gate has been changed. My kids know this is dad’s number one airport rule.

6) Three “hints” are the same as a fact. If you get three separate feelings or indications your boss doesn’t like you, or your brother is reading your diary, or your kid’s baseball coach is stealing money from the snack shack, you may consider the thought to be true.

7) All doctors have a default diagnosis. If they jump right to an explanation, it’s because it’s their favorite. Get a second opinion.

8) When at the grocery story, it’s not the amount of stuff the people in front of you have that will indicate how long you will have to wait, it’s the number of people. In other words, it makes far more sense to get behind one person with 100 items than 3 people with only a few items, because scanning takes very little time. It’s the transaction that takes forever. You’d think people had never seen a PIN pad before.

9) If you drop something in the bathroom, it will bounce once, giving you the opportunity to catch it, then it will fall in the toilet.

10) As a man, all you have to do is cook to be called a fabulous husband by other women. You don’t even need to cook well. Same for cleaning. Vacuum once or twice a week and you’re the neighborhood hero.

Scott McGrew
Business & Tech Reporter

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